Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
he puts the penis in happiness.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
