When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
