More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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