Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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