I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
