dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
