He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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