A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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