I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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