I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
try to milk me bitch
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