I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
