I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
