I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
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