I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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