I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
And then he peed in my hair
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