My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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