She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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