and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
