Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
