Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
