Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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