she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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