i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize