He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
