I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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