Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
