that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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