youre lurking in front of me
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
We are all done wearing pants today
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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