All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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