The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
