I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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