i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
