I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
