I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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