I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
