my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
