I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
