I'm so fucking centered right now
True but thats because hes a fetus.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
