so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
