moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
