Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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