oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
