my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize