I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
