rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Randomize
