he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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