They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
