he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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