No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
