i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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