Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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