Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
