I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I need to calm my uterus...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
