Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
