I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
