then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
